The Corn King has come!: Visions of His perfect Return at CornStock 2025
September 30, 2025
Varn Klegg
Editor-in-Chief, The Corn Courier
One Crop, One King!
His Harvest, His Will!
This refrain echoed through the Rose Bowl Tavern parking lot late Sunday evening, as a day full of festivities honoring our One True King concluded. As the long-time editor of The Corn Courier, I felt it was my duty to attend the modern revival of our long-practiced harvest tradition of summoning forth His Golden Appearance, rebranded as “CornStock”. It was clear that the Corn King was greatly pleased by the Council’s efforts to introduce the broader public to His Wisdom, as many new acolytes pledged their fealty to the One True King.
While it is impossible to impart the full splendor of this blessed day, I travelled to the Rose Bowl with our staff photographer to document to the best of of my ability the miracles that would surely occur. If you attended CornStock, I hope these memories will guide you to walk forth in His Rows for the year to come. If your ears were too husked to hear his call, perhaps this account will guide you nearer to Him before His Inevitable Return in 2026.
I present to you, reader, the One True Account of CornStock 2025, authorized by the one and only Corn King Himself.
While I and many elders of our community were wary of opening our cloistered community up to the wider world, at a tavern no less, I was immediately pleased with the ways in which the Council appointed this place of ill-respute with a more hospitable atmosphere suitable to represent and accommodate His Majesty the Corn King. At the Welcome Center, the Corn King Historical Society had provided a number of archival photographs and artifacts for visitors to peruse. I observed many newly-welcomed attendees pause and smile. It is truly something, friends, to see a lost soul receive their first kernel of wisdom from the Corn King.
As I turned to my left, I fell to my knees at the sight of the first miracle, Our Lady of Fructose, and wept with her, as she has for over 50 years. Lo, the taste of my tears were bitter and saline compared to the sweet corn syrup that composes her own. Behind me, dozens of worshippers queued up to gaze in wonder at this miraculous occurance. Throughout the day, she shed tears that reminded all of the Corn King’s grace for us.
In a contrapuntal turn, the famed Cursed Painting by visionary artist Michael Coulter was placed (carefully, as to be inaccessible to younger sprouts) to remind us of the Corn King’s wrath. As has been documented highly by our historians, this painting was completed during a 72-hour episode of Corn-Madness. The artist disappeared from our community shortly after its completion, leaving the painting’s meaning and his own whereabouts a mystery.
I was pleased to see one of our more sacred objects, the Enchanted Corn Cans, brought from the King’s Archive. Many bent their ears to be unhusked by the Sacred Truths that emanated from the aluminum cans hanging from the stalk. Faces aglow, nary a person could leave the experience unconvinced of the Corn King’s power.
Nearby, our community’s oracle, the Kernel of Truth had graciously set up her quarters to provide wisdom and foresight to any inquirers. By casting the sacred corn kernels over her divination map, a glimpse into the future and fortune of each who sat before her was provided. The divine word of the Corn King spoke clearly through each of these miracles!
And such music throughout the day to honor our King! The dulcet tones of the Foothill Rounders were a suitable start to the day, as they lured an audience of new adherents out from the late-September sun under the tent with the refrain of their hit song “The Corn King is Coming”. There was another song later that in truth felt a little subversive, something about “the Corn King takes three bites”. Of course we all only tithe once a year. I didn’t love that.
For the remainder of the afternoon, as the sun found its home in the Western sky, we were honored by less-problematic musical performances. Paul Kotheimer honored the Corn King with a number of original songs and agricentric odes, as did Big Daddy Pride on what I’m told was some sort of electified piano.
Husky Martinez not only amazed the gathered throngs with his feats of musical coordination, he also challenged event-goers with a collection of diversions all to honor the Corn King and Husky’s Cornival Midway. Only the steadiest hands guided by the One True King could stand the test, a rare honor achieved during the day. In other quarters, Corncade Youth Gaming Center garnered attention from the younger set of competitors.
In lulls between music, the sound of cornbags plopping on wooden cornhole boards pleased the ears, as contestants in the traditional Corn Cook-Off provided their dishes for consideration. As the Corn King’s appointed panel of judges tasted each, corn’s aroma filled the air. And at last, three new dishes were awarded the top prizes of the day, and culinaires proudly displayed the King’s endorsement. As is tradition, these receipes have been retired to the King’s Cookbook, and are now considered too pure for human consumption.
With bellies full, the crowd now rested back in their seats for a special performance from the Shadows of the Corn shadow theater company. The company regaled the hushed crowed with tales of the Corn King’s origin, the order he has brought to the world through his golden seed, and the betrayal of the Crow Queen who still today threatens to topple his reign.
With the sun now put to rest, the crowd was treated to a rollicking performance by Hunter Peebles & the Moonlighters. Although a little loud for my liking (I much prefer the work of acts like the Corn Country Singers), they brought an energy to the rest of the night that would set the stage for one of the most venerated traditions of our annual celebration: the Corn Maiden Pageant.
Each vying to win a date with the Corn King Himself in the Eternal Harvest, four contestants took the stage to highlight their grace, wit, and beauty. It went incredibly well, exactly as planned, and there were no infiltrations by the Crow Queen whatsoever, no matter what you might hear*. In the end, Miss Harvest was crowned Corn Maiden 2025 to thunderous applause. Our since congratulations to Miss Harvest, whose corndolls will no doubt delight the King in Eternal Harvest!
It had been a day of celebration, merriment, and frivolity, and there was much honor brought to the Corn King. And yet, an air of solemn reflection set in to replace the day’s humid enthusiasm. The time had drawn near to take part in our community’s most time-honored and sacred rites: The Harvest Incantation. To help the newly-initiated, devotional cards were distributed through the crowd, intended to assist in chanting the incantation, a powerful but simple set of words:
Gloria Rex Frumenti!
Adesto! Adesto! Adesto!
As voice after voice joined in reciting this sacred text, all hearts were turned in devotion and intention to our Corn King. As it has throughout centuries, the incantation parted the veil that separates us from his Eternal Harvest. A low rumble ensued, growing in fever and pitch. Otherworldly sounds of his realm pierced the planes of existence - the rustling of corn stalks, the hollow “bwaaaaaa” of the ceremonial Corn Horn. Then visions of corn, perfect and impossible in our own world. And then darkness.
From the darkness, as always, the Corn King appeared! Delighed in the devotion he had witnessed through the day, he told the audience of his pleasure with them and even imparted a special sermon to commemorate this great effort of faith in His Name. As he spoke, volunteers in His service ladeled out a brilliant golden nectar into cups for the gathered - the sweet and perfect syrup of His essence, Corn-Ade. Vessels held high to toast the King, he smiled and directed us to drink.
And drink we did, dear reader, our devotion to him now flowing through each of us. The Corn King’s speech concluded without a hitch* and as quickly as he appeared, he bid us farewell for another year. With his spirit now lingering in each of us, the Cornfed Collective provided an appropriate background of celebration and cheer. As their set concluded, I couldn’t help but sing along to a wonderful new song they presented: “Corn to be wi-iiiiild!”.
Full of the Corn King’s spirit, I know that I will sleep warmly, husked in his embrace throughout the coming winter. For months, I will dream of his promise to return, and honor him on every plate. For as always:
THE CORN KING IS COMING!
Varn Klegg is the Editor-in-Chief of the Corn Courier, the paper of record for Corn King news and culture. This article was commisioned by the Council of the Corn King, and authorized by the Corn King Himself.
*It is our understanding there is a misinformation campaing alleging certain occurences at CornStock. These are but kernels of deceit by those who wish to unseat our King from his Corny Throne. Although we do not wish to feed the fire of these rumors with any air, please ignore:
Gossip of a “corn spear stabbing” by the Crow Queen on stage during the Corn Maiden Pageant
Wild tales of an insurgent attack by the Order of the Crow Queendisrupting the Corn King’s Great Appearance at the end of the night
Any whispers of “Rich Whitman”, “the AgriVora Corporation”, “C-25 Compound”, etc. - these are simply the ramblings of stark-raving lunatics