The Corn King has come!: Visions of His perfect Return at CornStock 2025

September 30, 2025
Varn Klegg
Editor-in-Chief, The Corn Courier

One Crop, One King!
His Harvest, His Will!

This refrain echoed through the Rose Bowl Tavern parking lot late Sunday evening, as a day full of festivities honoring our One True King concluded. As the long-time editor of The Corn Courier, I felt it was my duty to attend the modern revival of our long-practiced harvest tradition of summoning forth His Golden Appearance, rebranded as “CornStock”. It was clear that the Corn King was greatly pleased by the Council’s efforts to introduce the broader public to His Wisdom, as many new acolytes pledged their fealty to the One True King.

While it is impossible to impart the full splendor of this blessed day, I travelled to the Rose Bowl with our staff photographer to document to the best of of my ability the miracles that would surely occur. If you attended CornStock, I hope these memories will guide you to walk forth in His Rows for the year to come. If your ears were too husked to hear his call, perhaps this account will guide you nearer to Him before His Inevitable Return in 2026.

I present to you, reader, the One True Account of CornStock 2025, authorized by the one and only Corn King Himself.

While I and many elders of our community were wary of opening our cloistered community up to the wider world, at a tavern no less, I was immediately pleased with the ways in which the Council appointed this place of ill-respute with a more hospitable atmosphere suitable to represent and accommodate His Majesty the Corn King. At the Welcome Center, the Corn King Historical Society had provided a number of archival photographs and artifacts for visitors to peruse. I observed many newly-welcomed attendees pause and smile. It is truly something, friends, to see a lost soul receive their first kernel of wisdom from the Corn King.

As I turned to my left, I fell to my knees at the sight of the first miracle, Our Lady of Fructose, and wept with her, as she has for over 50 years. Lo, the taste of my tears were bitter and saline compared to the sweet corn syrup that composes her own. Behind me, dozens of worshippers queued up to gaze in wonder at this miraculous occurance. Throughout the day, she shed tears that reminded all of the Corn King’s grace for us.

In a contrapuntal turn, the famed Cursed Painting by visionary artist Michael Coulter was placed (carefully, as to be inaccessible to younger sprouts) to remind us of the Corn King’s wrath. As has been documented highly by our historians, this painting was completed during a 72-hour episode of Corn-Madness. The artist disappeared from our community shortly after its completion, leaving the painting’s meaning and his own whereabouts a mystery.

I was pleased to see one of our more sacred objects, the Enchanted Corn Cans, brought from the King’s Archive. Many bent their ears to be unhusked by the Sacred Truths that emanated from the aluminum cans hanging from the stalk. Faces aglow, nary a person could leave the experience unconvinced of the Corn King’s power.

And such music throughout the day to honor our King! The dulcet tones of the Foothill Rounders were a suitable start to the day, as they lured an audience of new adherents out from the late-September sun under the tent with the refrain of their hit song “The Corn King is Coming”. There was another song later that in truth felt a little subversive, something about “the Corn King takes three bites”. Of course we all only tithe once a year. I didn’t love that.

For the remainder of the afternoon, as the sun found its home in the Western sky, we were honored by less-problematic musical performances. Paul Kotheimer honored the Corn King with a number of original songs and agricentric odes, as did Big Daddy Pride on what I’m told was some sort of electified piano.

Husky Martinez not only amazed the gathered throngs with his feats of musical coordination, he also challenged event-goers with a collection of diversions all to honor the Corn King and Husky’s Cornival Midway. Only the steadiest hands guided by the One True King could stand the test, a rare honor achieved during the day.

In lulls between music, the sound of cornbags plopping on wooden cornhole boards pleased the ears, as contestants in the traditional Corn Cook-Off provided their dishes for consideration. As the Corn King’s appointed panel of judges tasted each, corn’s aroma filled the air. And at last, three new dishes were awarded the top prizes of the day. As is tradition, these receipes have been retired to the King’s Cookbook, and are now considered too pure for human consumption.

With bellies full, the crowd now rested back in their seats for a special performance from the Shadows of the Corn shadow theater company. The company regaled the hushed crowed with tales of the Corn King’s origin, the order he has brought to the world through his golden seed, and the betrayal of the Crow Queen who still today threatens to topple his reign.

With the sun now set, the crowd was treated to a performance by Hunter Peebles & the Moonlighters. Although a little loud for my liking (I much prefer the work of acts like the Corn Whistle Junction), they brought an energy to the rest of the night that would set the stage for one of the most venerated traditions of our annual celebration: the Corn Maiden Pageant.

Each vying to win a date with the Corn King Himself in the Eternal Harvest, four contestants took the stage to highlight their grace, wit, and beauty. It went incredibly well, exactly as planned, and there were no infiltrations by the Crow Queen whatsoever, no matter what you might hear. In the end, Miss Harvest was crowned Corn Maiden 2025 to thunderous applause. Our since congratulations to Miss Harvest, whose corndolls will no doubt delight the King in Eternal Harvest!

With the night nearly at a close, it became time to welcome newcomers to the most auspicious